The Day

The day came. The day when I would move out of the house. The day where I became my own provider (for the most part) and my own mother. The day where I became an official adult.

It was sad. It was exciting. It was scary. It was fun.

The day came and went.

I am here sitting in my new room. My room. In my desk, with my computer, drinking out of my cups. And I think I've finally started to come to peace with The Day. I have been nervous for months about yesterday. I haven't felt ready, I haven't felt confident, I haven't felt okay about it. But as the day came and went, I had so many small, sweet, and simple blessings to help the transition along. I know that I'll be okay.

So I am gone. I do not live at home anymore. But I am starting to make a new home for myself.
It'll be interesting. It'll be hard. It'll be fun and exciting.
And it'll be worth it.

And if it's not . . . well, life goes on, doesn't it?

Paige & Kaleb

Paige & Kaleb are the most disgustingly cute couple on planet earth. They make each other so happy and I'm so glad they met each other last fall. They both are such good examples of goodness and Christlike love. They were kind enough to let me practice on them with some last-weekend-together-before-his-mission pictures (or promise pictures. haha)! Here's a few:

Watch: Arvo | Shoes: Clarks

New Perspective

When I was younger, I attended a cancer camp with my siblings for 3 consecutive years. I have such fond memories of camp. I couldn't tell you exactly what events transpired during the time I was there, but I still remember the people and the happiness. The hope. I remember thinking "I want to be a part of this when I'm older!" (You can only attend up to 3 years after chemo therapy. But you can always apply and return as a CIT (Counselor-In-Training, 16yrs - 18yrs) or an adult Counselor. 

The catch is: you have to apply to volunteer. The directors obviously want the best possibly candidates for the job to provide the best possibly experience for the kids. 

Knowing that I would be up against so many people for the position and knowing that because I was out of state and that I would only be able to do a phone interview and that may or may not determine my acceptance or rejection, I applied anyway. And guess what? I got in! 

The camp director remembered me as a camper, or maybe my resume was actually somewhat impressive. Who knows? I do know, however, that I was supposed to be a part of that camp. 

I was pretty nervous for camp. I knew absolutely nobody. I really, really had to branch out to meet new people which can be a struggle for me sometimes because I'm a generally reserved person. We attended a staff meeting a few weeks prior to camp to get to know each other and to go over some training and rules. I met a few people there (one was the cabin counselor I would be working with) but I somehow still came out of the meeting completely terrified of the experience. I didn't feel adequate. I wasn't outgoing enough. What if I'm not what the kids needed? What if the staff members I work with don't like me? What if I can never bond with the fellow CIT's? 

These were the thoughts weighing on my mind for the next two weeks. 

And then the time came. I was at camp (the night before) prepping for the children to arrive. I was still nervous for the next morning. What if I'm left alone with the kids? What do I talk about? I was told I can't talk about my personal life. If they ask me if I have a boyfriend, what do I do? (Thank goodness that subject never came up. Although, I don't even have one so it really wouldn't have been a big deal) I was SO over-thinking it. That was totally proven as soon as the first camper arrived. I was blessed to get the ADORABLE 10-11 year olds. Sweet Emily walked right in and started chatting and chatting and chatting . . . and CHATTING! She didn't even let us talk. It was such a relief! It made things flow so much easier! I instantly felt so at home and so ready to conquer the week. I immediately felt comfortable enough to be my weird self. The rest of the girls showed up and they were all SO excited to be there and so ready to conquer the week too! They were all the sweetest girls. So funny, fun, exciting, animated, positive, outgoing girls. I could not have asked for a better group. I miss them almost every day!   That sounds so silly because I only knew them for 5 days. But spending 5 days at a cancer camp as such really opens everyone up. You really get to know everyone on a personal level. I developed a huge love for everyone there. 

Many people hear the word "cancer" and "camp" and immediately think "depressing." People would say, "Oh, I don't think I could do that. That sounds so heartbreaking!" Let me be the first to say that is NOT the case. Yes, it was a camp full of cancer patients. Yes, it is really sad to see such young adorable children having to go through so much pain and heartache. Having to take 15 pills in the morning, and 15 pills at night. But because these children have had such sad experiences, that is really what makes it such a happy place. Camp was an opportunity for them to forget about sadness. Forget about reality. Just have fun with friends and their siblings! The kids have so much maturity and love for each other because they were all going through the same thing. 

Not only was it the similarity in experiences that made it so touching and happy, it's the activities and love the staff gave out to all the campers. I would look around at campfire when everyone is being absolutely ridiculous singing "Princess Pat" at the top of their lungs, or watching the leaders and campers perform skits for the whole camp and just see love. It was so amazing to see how much love, kindness, and selflessness that all members of camp exhibited. To look around and see how many GOOD people there really is in this world. So much of the news, social media, and people focus on every negative aspect of this world. I don't believe that. I don't believe that this world is cruel and evil. I don't believe that all there is is negativity. Not after camp. This camp goes on EVERY year. Over 100 volunteers PER camp (there are three). That is so much good! In just one area. I was so overwhelmed every night at my love for the campers, my love for the staff members, and the pure joy that this camp brings that I was nearly in tears. Truly. It touched my heart. 

I gained a new perspective that week as I was able to let go of insecurities and be in the moment. I made a commitment to myself that I would forget myself and serve. I wanted to be the best possible leader for these girls. I made a complete fool of myself every minute of the day. I was overly enthusiastic, obnoxious, loud, and weird. And you know what? Kids LOVE that! They are all those things too. I sang so loud and danced so weird; I got chocolate pudding dumped ALLLL over me (hair, nostrils, ears, mouth, face, shirt) and I worked at the dunk tank during the Carnival. 

One of the things we as CIT's focused on was becoming a leader. Our director really tried to give us opportunities to develop leadership skills and qualities. Before camp, whenever I thought about being a leader, my mind immediately jumped to the words "boss," "taking control," "direct," "delegation," "management," etc. After camp, I came to the conclusion that it is so much more than taking control.

Being a leader is being an example. 

Being a leader is being kind. 

Being a leader is loving all. 

Being a leader is serving others. 

And above all, being a leader is being selfless. 

I believe now that selflessness is the main component in becoming a good leader. You can be the best at delegating, but you can't be a good leader without being selfless and kind. A good leader serves others and forgets themselves. 

I learned selflessness in those 5 days. I'm still learning selflessness. Camp made me forget about myself. I didn't think about home. I didn't think about my family, my best friend, my "latest crush," Instagram, clothes, etc. I didn't care about what I looked like. I knew I looked completely ridiculous, but I didn't care. Everyone at camp looked ridiculous. I realized that I wasn't there for myself. I wasn't there to meet boys; make new friends. I was there for the kids! I was there to make them happy.  I was there to bring smiles to their faces and happiness into their lives. Realizing that was the best possible thing for me. Because I realized this and dedicated myself, I was SO happy. Serving others is truly the best way to make yourself happy. I cannot even express how happy it made me feel; how happy I still feel because of it. Even just writing this makes me tear up. I honestly cannot say enough good things about camp. This experience is so tender and near to my heart. I will never forget it. 

Due to privacy rights and camp regulations, I cannot post pictures (bummer) or give the name of the camp online. However, if you are interested in having a similar experience, contact me and I will give you details (camp name, location, website, where to apply). 

The End

Graduation was nearly 2 WHOLE MONTHS AGO.

I never really thought about that day ACTUALLY coming. As a kid, I often thought about it as an overly glorified moment when I became a legitimate old person (because anyone over the age of 16 is when they start getting old to a 9 or 10 year old). I would look at the kids in high school, thinking how mature and amazing these teenagers were.

Well, I'm a teenager now. An adult teenager (18yrs). In fact, I'm a graduated senior. An incoming USU freshman. And let me tell you. . . I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. 

Maturity? What even is that? 

Organization? What even is that? 

Plans?

Job?

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

Although I don't know anything about my future (aside from the college I'll be attending and where I will live), I do know that high school has been so good to me.

In high school I learned. Academically, emotionally, physically, mentally. Through all the ups and downs including hard classes, test failures, friendship failures, boy troubles (ugh); acing tests, new friendships, happy memories, heartbreaks, stress, etc, I learned more and more of who I am, and who I want to become.

It has been a difficult road, as everyone's road is. I've learned that it is okay to be happy. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to laugh. It's all part of life.

I've learned that it's okay to be who you are. I remember as a 7th grader, I decided I didn't like to read because none of my friends did. I thought it wasn't cool to be a reader, so I didn't read anymore. I hated Star Wars because it was nerdy. I didn't want to be a nerd.

But you know what? Those stereotypes are dumb. Why can't we all just accept one another for the things we enjoy? So what there is a girl who is a fan of the Star Wars movies? So what if she likes to read non-stop alllll summer long (I truly don't like to read during the school year)? I am weird. I'll be the first to admit it. I laugh obnoxiously and make annoying snap videos to send to my sister and my bestie. I say "bestie." I use weird sarcastic voices. I like Harry Potter and Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean. And that's okay. Everyone is weird. WE should accept each other, and WE should accept ourselves.

I've learned how to be responsible. I think responsibility is one quality that I can say that I've always had. But high school took that quality and made it into one of my biggest strengths. Homework was such a struggle for me throughout the 4 years. Procrastination was my biggest enemy. It was a constant battle to "remember" to finish my assignment. But because it was a constant battle, I felt the rewarding feeling of getting assignments in, getting good grades, and acing the tests. On the other hand, I also experienced the failure to finish assignments, tasks, projects. I experience test failures (in geometry, I got a 56% on one of the tests; in Honors Geology, I recieved a 13%. I'm gonna just say that failure was a combination of unpreparedness AND difficulty. That class was so hard!)

Extracurricular activities such as basketball manager, football manager, and the yearbook editor taught me responsibility too, but it mainly taught me leadership skills. I learned so much about being a leader in these positions and I am so grateful. I learned who I was as a leader. I learned that it is okay to be bossy (because I am...really bossy) so long as you manage to be a kind bossy. It's hard to do, trust me. I've had more than my share of bossy failures too!

I could go on and on about the things high school taught me, but overall it just made me a better person. A better student; a better daughter; a better sister; a better employee; a better friend.

It's sad that I have completed that time in my life. It really is. People have asked me: "Isn't it so great to be graduated and done with high school?" I always answer with a yes, and no. I am ready to take advantage of this new opportunity to build a new chapter. To live on my own. At the same time, I am SO sad to be leaving home. I've had more than enough panic attacks and meltdowns because I don't feel like I should be doing this already. It's hard to move on.

But life is hard. It can only get harder. And that's scary.
President Gordon B. Hinkley's words bring me so much comfort.

Yes, this is THE END. But it is also the beginning. So here's to another chapter. I'm going to stop worrying because you know what? Life goes on. It'll all work out. In the words of my seminary teacher, Brother Challis, "It'll be okay. It's gonna be okay."

Rain

You know the cliche phrase about rain in the month of April. 

"April showers bring May flowers!"

The phrase when you live in Star Valley differs a smidgen.

"May showers bring June flowers . . . and sometimes foreshadows the bizarre event known as snow in July."

Seriously. It's happened. 

I love rain. For the past fifteen minutes, I've been sitting on my couch, gazing out the window into the trees. I love watching the raindrops fall; watching them bounce off the roof; watching the rings they make in the puddles. I love standing, running, jumping, skipping, singing in it. I love when the clouds are low-riding and cover the pine trees, or when the rain creates a mist and the sun shines through. Many people think the rain is depressing, but I think it's amazing. 

Some find it annoying when it rains on their plans, but I say "Let's do it anyway!" because I know that it will just add to the experience. (I keep a rain jacket, extra clothes, socks and shoes in my car for such occasions #girlscoutpreparedness). I think rain makes things fun and interesting. 

Camping in the rain. 

Hiking in the rain. 

Boating in the rain.

Swimming in the rain. 

Shopping in the rain.

The rain-meets-dirt smell is so refreshing. 

The rain-meets-dry-hair smell.

The soothing sound of the rain-meets-roof.

The sound of thunder.

The thrilling sight of lighting.

I love everything about a good rainstorm.

Rain makes everything SO GREEN. After it rains, the fields are greener than they have ever been. The trees glow; the dirt is dark and refreshed. 

As depressing as rain may seem, it adds color. 

In two days it can make an ugly, dead grass field into a lush green field. 

It's like the earth is renewed. The earth is cleansed. Like, even the dirt seems clean when it rains. 

Everything is clean. 

And not to mention, I can leave my car outside and forget about that car wash that I've been meaning to take care of. Haha!

Hello!

Hello, reader. Welcome to my blog.

Two assumptions about who you are: Either you are really, seriously bored, or you are my family. Or maybe you ARE my family, AND you are also seriously bored. But regardless of which category you fall under, thanks for taking the time to stop by & read the things I have to say.

Interesting story: I actually had this blog set up when I was around 10 years old thinking I was the coolest, most grown up 10 year old there ever was. I was a grown up, just like my parents, aunts & uncles. Boy, was I in for a treat when I recently remembered this dying blog & it's embarrassing content. I grabbed the laptop & typed in the link only to find emotionally touching stories about how the latest Twilight movie wasn't as good as I expected it to be, but was still decent. Or about how excited I was about my first phone that I needed to include 400 million exclamation marks. About how frustrating my siblings were being, or about how "aMaZiNgLy FuN" the family gathering with the cousins was. Even about how school was incredibly hard & awful (little did I know what high school had to offer). You get the point.

Anyway, I renovated everything & am hoping for better things to write about. I have the intention this blog will serve as redemption for the countless, & I mean countless, times I fail to physically write in a paper journal. So I'm hoping, praying, that this will be a good thing. Chances are I won't be that good at blogging either. It seems like everyone goes through multiple cases of forgetful-blogger-itis. I may or may not catch that a time or two. Maybe even more than a few times. Who knows? So if that happens... Oh well. Life goes on.

Wish me luck!